Judith Regan, Editor, & Bernard Kerik, Author, and the Case of the Missing Red Garter Belt. It’s All About the Thread Count.
I’m all for illicit affairs in the office. To my mind, the more, the better. Sub rosa relationships just make going to work so much more fun. Not only do people take more pains with their appearance, but you can count on them to have upgraded their underwear. (Oh, my God, I can’t let him see me in the floral cotton panties up to my armpits! Oh, my God, I can’t let her see me in these sagged out, skid-marked skivvies.)
What gives me pause about the revelation that the notorious Judith Regan and macho-man Bernard Kerik had a smoochfest in an apartment overlooking Ground Zero for three months in the winter of 2001 is NOT that he was her oft- and currently-married lovebird (hey, that’s the third wife’s problem, n’est-ce pas?), but when his autobiography, The Lost Son: A Life in Pursuit of Justice, was published, she had him under contract AND at the same time between the 200-thread-count sheets.
Perhaps what drew these two raptors together was that Kerik wanted a leg up (if you’ll excuse the expression) for his book with the HarperCollins marketing machine and Regan wanted to position herself (there I go again!) in Rudy Giuliani’s inner circle, the better to build her ReganBooks’ imprint via introductions from Kerik, the fearsome Police Commissioner of the City of New York (2000-2001) and short-lived nominee to honcho the Department of Homeland Security.
Of course, on a very basic level, I don’t discount the irresistible danger factor of a guy placing a hot, smoking gun on the bedside table or the feeling of accomplishment that a man might enjoy by reducing the woman who published How to Make Love to a Porn Star, to a puddle of whimpering “Oh! Bernie!”s.
To His Coy Mistress
Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love’s day;
[Just raising the literary level of this posting by throwing in a little Andrew Marvel.]
Will having sex with your editor help generate sales?
You bet. An editor has tremendous influence over the budget for promotion and marketing. If she’s the editor-from hell with an “epic temper” per Frank Rich in the New York Times (11/18/07), underlings are more than willing to (or perhaps more accurately completely terrified not to) go the extra mile for a book. That can definitely make a difference.
Will no longer having sex with your editor result in lost sales?
Count on it. If you were having sex with your editor and now you’re Bernard-Kerik-who?, boy, is your book ever in trouble. All your great ideas about promoting your oeuvre will be ignored and you’ll find that the supply of free promotional copies you’ve requested (the better to give to your relatives) has dried up like the Gobi desert. Venture into Barnes & Noble pre-Christmas and get ready to see your book among the dead, whoops, remaindered books on the holiday discount table.
Anyhow, whatever happened to sleeping with the boss?
Regan and Kerik should have aimed higher. The apartment at Ground Zero was a lateral move. Who needs that? What a waste of time. The smart move for Kerik would have been to wave his formidable “pistol” at the powerful President and CEO of HarperCollins, the divorced Jane Friedman, not some lowly editor (relatively speaking) even one with her own imprint. Although, like Regan, Friedman is older than Kerik, she’s, oh, so much more powerful and influential.
And Regan? What’s wrong with that girl? Isn’t Rupert Murdoch, Chairman and Managing Director of News Corp, much more appealing than Kerik for all the reasons that a smart, recklessly daring, let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may woman would start an affair in the office? Yes, indeed, why in the world didn’t Regan set her sights on Rupert Murdoch, Friedman’s boss?! Talk about potential seismic balance-of-power shifts exploding between those soft and silky, 700-thread-count sheets in 7-star hotels around the world.
Right now, all Judith Regan can show for her affair is a history of fattening take-out food and an honorary police badge (no kidding!!!) bestowed on her on December 31st by Kerik himself on his last day as police commissioner.
And Kerik? If he’s not in trouble on the “home” security front in New Jersey with his third-time’s-the-charm wife and daughters, he is definitely in deep doo-doo on another: he has pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors and been indicted on 16 other counts by a federal grand jury. Could he perhaps be looking at some coarse 50-thread-count sheets in his future?
As for the mystery of the missing red garter belt? Keep an eye on eBay.
November 25th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
If only I’d known the secret to a successful book…
November 25th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
I’ve always kind of suspected the reason I haven’t gotten anywhere with the literary-industrial complex is that I never
married or had an affair with anyone notorious.
This just confirms my suspicion!
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Celia is an author living in San Antonia, Texas. Here are the jackets from just two of her books:
November 25th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Congratulations are in order for bestowing some class and humor on this seedy, squicky story.
Just the glimpse of the thought of Regan and Kerik together overlooking ground zero is enough to reach for the brain bleach.
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Bill is a mystery writer and book reviewer.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Wicked Witch:
Very funny!
Carol
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Carol is an author and award-winning artist. One-artist shows include The Rockefeller Townhouse is New York and the Gregg Galleries of The National Art Club.
November 25th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
It’s Murdoch, not “Murdock.”
Peter
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Hi, Peter! So much for touch-typing! Thanks for the catch.
November 25th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Self publishing…or not publishing…looks better every day.
November 25th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Egads! I’m glad that kind of behavior doesn’t translate over to HarperCollins’ christian side, the Avon/William Morrow imprint that I deal with.
I really wonder what drives people like that who are so willing to show their lack of moral compass in public…on a regular basis.
Bonnie
November 26th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Wicked Witch:
Law suits are so tedious, but the rest of the story reads like a Danielle Steel.
Bernita
November 26th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
What happened to the more traditional intercourse of the NYC publishing world… i.e. lunch with your editor at The Four
Seasons?
A laugh-out-loud commentary on the zany world of publishing from our beloved Wicked Witch. Thanks for making a rainy Monday brighter. Keep ‘em coming!
November 26th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Just when I was starting to get bored with the whole publishing biz news thing, this comes along. It’s about damned
time. All this talk of poor sales, sagging profits, blah, blah, blah.
Let’s liven things up with a little lingerie and illicit sex.
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Mark writes thrillers about biological and chemical warfare. He lives in Detroit, Michigan.
November 26th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Jeez, maybe we should think about increasing our marketing budget at Press 53.
Note from the Wicked Witch of Publishing ™: Press 53 is a small, independent publisher located in Lewisville, North Carolina.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
~Laughing~
Maybe while reading my manuscript she might want to have sex with me? Just kidding.
Good post. I agree with Mark Terry; it’s nice to lighten-up.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Your funny column reminds me of a conversation I had at a party in Bridgehampton with Bruce Jay Friedman
[playwright, novelist, screenwriter]. It was a room full of writers and I wondered if there were dozens of discussions going on about writing.
Friedman said to me, “When writers talk to each other they talk about sex and complain about their agents or editors.” I took this to heart and vowed never to have sex with my agent or editor because then I would be down to one topic to talk about with other writers.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:09 am
Go here:
http://search.ebay.com/red-garter-belt_W0QQcatrefZC5QQfclZ3QQfromZR7QQfrppZ200QQfsooZ1QQfsopZ1QQnojsprZyQQpfidZ0QQsacatZQ2d1QQsofocusZbs
November 27th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
As usual, your biting wit has brightened-up my day. I can see the title of your next book on the NYT’s best seller’s list: “It’s All About the Thread Count.” Come on–ya know you want to!! (Put me down as a “pre-order!”)
November 27th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Lynne,
Bravo performance on this one. I especially loved the generous heaping of doubles entendres your sprinkled throughout. Thanks, too, to some very capable trussing and skewering, you quite handily rendered these two turkeys as tasty as anything I had on my plate this past Thursday — and that, Lynne, is saying a LOT!
November 27th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Book sales are improved by sex with the editor?
All of a sudden, this is making me wonder about about Max Perkins.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
It is neither interesting nor newsworthy, but if someone can make a buck or two off it, good for you, or them. I
wouldn’t bother buying a book about people who fly that far under my radar.
Then again, I am apathetic in almost every aspect of this world, so… *melts until only pointy black hat remains….*
November 28th, 2007 at 11:00 am
A sheer delight to read. Thanks for lightning up this whole … affair. Kudos.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
I don’t generally like blog posts that send me out for a cold shower, with a side of bleach (a nod to Bill Peschel, above),
but such reports on tabloidesque goings-on prevent practicioners of the publishing dodge from rising to ivory heights.
Ivory soap, maybe.
Thanks for burning your True Believer’s Union card, Lynne.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Unsubscribe me. I didn’t really like your last article.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Not sure how I missed this morsel!
November 28th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I think I forgot to mention how much I love Lynne. She gave me the ups when I was down, and captured my stolen image of Jennifer “This is me expressing myself” Anniston.
You made me laugh, Lynne. Thanks!
November 29th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Lynne, you’ve thrown light on the satirist’s dilemma. Public figures do a better job than wise guys like us in unflattering contretemps.
November 29th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Fun….
Editor, Wall Street Journal
November 30th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Lynne:
Fun, funnier and funniest yet.
Nor am I flattering you out of gratitude for lending me your leaf-blower (no pun intended).
December 8th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
It is very hard to shop for the Wicked Witch for Christmas. Can she drop a hint for a gift she’d like on the blog? Or perhaps she can make herself a wish list on Amazon.com?
Thanks!
Secret Santa